I should have seen it coming – a crash, that is.
Rather unsurprisingly after all the events of the last few weeks I had a crash which started last Thursday afternoon.
For anyone reading who isn’t a spoonie or doesn’t know what a crash is, it’s a term that is used by people who have ME or CFS do describe a backwards slip into a state of much worse health. Crashes can be temporary or long lasting.
Oh and it’s not this sort of crash that I talked about with my silver surfer Dad when I was given The Bike:
“Thing is Dad, I can’t go hell for leather with using this bike. I might have a crash.”
“No, dear, we don’t want that – you have to get your cycling legs back or it will be dangerous for you on the roads.”
“OH Dad! Not that sort of crash!!”
Joking apart, a crash is a sign – for me – that something in life has been putting too much pressure on me for my ME -ridden body and mind to cope with. Anyone following my diary will be utterly unsurprised by this recent development.
You saw it coming before I did, right 😉
Yes, it is rather early in the morning. That’s because one of the crash symptoms I have is insomnia. This is a particularly nice ingredient in the cocktail of symptoms that ME deals to me when life is getting too much.
I’ve tackled insomnia sooooo many times that I have one way of dealing with it now and that can be distilled into one sentence:
Don’t toss and turn, consider yourself awake and do something instead. Ta daa! One blog post.
Thank you night time telly, thank you Tommy Walsh
Admittedly, losing a night’s sleep is made a lot better by night time telly.
I have a particular thank you for Tommy Walsh, the TV builder who smiles and gleams at me while he’s fixing roofs, rebuilding pig sheds and laying garden driveways. He’s got such a soothing, positive, chuckle-y persona that I actually look forward to watching him on Quest.
I’ve watched him thread a new oak lintel through the wall of a Cornish house conversion so many times and each time, I marvel at how he does it.
If it wasn’t for insomnia I wouldn’t have been inspired by Tommy Walsh to try putting up curtain rails and manhandle my father’s masonary drill with as much confidence and enthusiasm as I have done.
Last Thursday I had good news: that Mr S, my brother-in-law does not have cancer as we’d suspected. Hard on the heels of hearing that news, my landlord phoned me to say that he was ensuring the flat I want to move into is ready for a new tenant before it can go ahead.
Both are the news I’d been holding my breath for. It felt as if life suddenly juddered forward, like a car being taken off the brakes with the engine running.
However straight afterwards on Thursday I was floored by wracking, perpetual tiredness. I slept for hours and hours on Friday, could barely string a sentence together on Saturday. Sunday was another lost day. By yesterday I was starting to come out of it.
Recently I’ve had to face up to something. I clearly have a problem with anxiety. Yup. I’ve been talking about it all the way through this blog like it’s a normal part of thinking and living but it really isn’t. The level of anxiety I feel is a symptom that has come about since I’ve had ME.
Yes, its made worse or its kicked off by big things like moving house or feeling like my security is threatened or doing much more physically or cognitively than I would do normally, but I think it’s more than that too.
I’m sure things will settle down again once the move has actually happened and I can rest again and fall back into a normal pattern but in the meanwhile I’m newly facing up to what it’s like to be a person with an anxiety problem.
Perhaps anxiety is something that a lot of people with ME experience but we don’t talk about it as much as we talk about other symptoms? Advice on this is welcome….
On that note I’ll sign off for now..!
© Lindy 2015