I’m feeling very stressed at the moment and this diary is going by the wayside. Kindly, I think this is what people call having not enough spoons for writing.
That’s true, it is the case I don’t have a lot of spoons in my mental space in my scrambled, stressed out head and body. I’ve been trying everything in the book to stop this anxious feeling of being shaken, ripped and torn up by the roots. I have to stop it in it’s tracks because this is Enemy Adrenaline. I’m trying to avoid a crash…
It’s like being trapped in a roller coaster just before you shoot over the top and your head and stomach lurch and are sick with butterflies. I’ve stopped sleeping for longer than 3 hours at a stretch before I wake up again. Last night I woke up at 3:30 am and I’ve been up since.
I’ve tried long hot baths, walks, reading, listening to music, resting ( of course ! ) sleeping during the day when I need it, focusing on positive things in my life and being mindful.
I’ve got to admit that some of the things I’ve been doing has worked but some of them hasn’t.
What really has done though is putting myself in someone else’s shoes and imagining how other people feel in far worse circumstances. When the terrible shooting in Tunisia happened this week I imagined what it would feel like to be on the beach, or a family member and doing that put my problems into perspective.
I’ve not tried this approach before but it’s the one that’s worked best as a stress-buster.
I viewed the proposed new flat this week and it’s nice. It’s nicer than the one I’m in and it will solve a lot of problems in one fell swoop.
Moving home for anyone not-ill is a massive deal. But I’m also juggling being unwell and having MASSIVE financial limitations due to being on housing benefit and on Employment and Support Allowance too.
At last writing, my dodgy landlord agreed to reduce the rent by £25.00 per month to £900.00 pcm which brings the rent under the single person’s housing benefit cap in London. Success, tick!
Then he promptly told me there’d be an additional bill payment for the gas and water of £50.00 pcm. All the tenants in this property pay him directly for the fuel payment and water, you see.
The thing is that the tenant told me he pays Thames Water £30.00 PCM and the water use is metered.
I smirked. Bloody landlord trying to screw more money out of me. So I wrote and told them I wasn’t prepared to pay for a bill twice. I’d pay for the gas, but not the water. They said they’d look at it and get back to me. That was 2 days ago and I’ve heard nothing.
Today I emailed to ask if I could have an idea of a moving date as I’d need to organise things my end. Why do I feel it’ll slip through my fingers??
I wish I could say I was stunned, aghast, shocked and outraged but I’m not.
This government is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Taking £30.00 per week from me and then expecting me to find 10% of £900.00 will mean that £90.00 of my rent will have to be found from my ESA which will reduce by a further £30.00 PCM anyway.
This government clearly wants people who are assessed as too unwell to work to also be put into debt, further fuel or food poverty or to be made homeless.
And with the big sell off of council housing and housing association housing we will be squeezed and squeezed in our circumstances until there’s nothing left of us.
PLEASE realise that this situation is not ‘behavioral’ on my behalf.
I can’t think myself well, I can’t imagine myself into a new home and I can’t do anything at all about the private rent that private landlords charge in London.
© Lindy 2015